Assholes of Michigan

20 May 2009

Original Blogger tags: Cynicism

Michigan has some of the worst drivers in any state I’ve ever driven in. Here are some of the, failing to merge after the third “left lane closed ahead — merge right” sign — and causing traffic to back up for miles.

Some say the state flower of michigan is the traffic construction barrel. I say no, it’s the asshole.

I was hoping that I’d be able to capture license plates, but my little Motorola cell phone camera is just too crappy. (Also, its color is way off.)

The little butt-munch in the small black car — I think it was a Matrix or something — was particularly offensive. After backing the 5-mile-an-hour traffic for miles, he finally cut over, then proceeded to refuse to let anyone else merge, aggressively tailgating and cutting people off and trying to pass on the right. At five miles an hour.

It is hard to believe that people can’t understand that failing to merge will make them later, too. They seem to think that as long as they are in front — even if they have bogged traffic down to a standstill and cost themselves an additional 30 minutes on their morning commute — they’ve won.

If I were in charge, failure to merge in a timely manner would be a capital offense. There wouldn’t be any other capital offenses at all — just this one. It would be carried out on the spot by a beefy team of slaughterhouse workers who would just pull the drivers out of their cars, stun them with a shotgun with a captive bolt, reclaim the car, and compost the human waste of air and fuel driving it.

Interestingly enough, waving a cell phone camera out your window at these drivers caused them, pretty uniformly, to immediately merge, as if it suddenly reminded that, oh yeah, they aren’t the only human in the world, and solipsism isn’t actually a practicable world view on the freeway.

Dance like no one is watching, but drive like everyone is watching!

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