Hairy Bottom and the Deadly Aloe

27 Jul 2007

So, I hear via the Intarweb that there is a series of books about a young boy gizzard named Hairy Bottom. Hairy is a gizzard, but his parents were Bugaloos, featured in the hit Sid and Marty Krofft show from 1970. Unfortunately, Hairy’s parents were both killed (before Hairy was born) by the evil Moldy Wart. Hairy is left with only a “C” shaped scar on his forehead, which throbs whenever he is exposed to the threat of copyright infringement. (If this sounds confusing, it is; there are seven books in this series, and after the first one, the author, Jay Kay Elemeno P. Growling, decided to sell them by the pound instead of the word).

Now, Hairy also has a trusty flying squirrel named Hedgerow (who tends to bustle a lot), and friends named Herman Miller, Aaron Neville, and Aeron Chair. He goes to a public school called Pig Knuckles, where he is befriended by his headmaster, the wise and heavily armed Bumblebee, and taunted by a teacher named Plumber’s Snake. There’s also an elf, a plumber’s helper named Doobie, who with his brothers sell odd little cigarettes to the students at Pig Knuckles. Doobie’s brothers tend to whistle while they work, and in book three the group winds up with a recording contract, but that’s a story for another day.

Now, Hairy isn’t a very good student, and drops out of the Beauty College after he manages to dye his own hair an alarming shade of magenta using an organic shampoo formulated by Herman Miller, but that doesn’t matter very much, because he is an excellent athlete, and attends Pig Knuckles on an athletic scholarship. His sport of choice is Kid Itch, and he can frequently be seen wandering around the campus of Pig Knuckles with a broom between his legs attempting to scratch himself in a most inappropriate fashion (see “Hairy Bottom and the Bedchamber of Adolescence,” the ninteenth book in the tetralogy, in which Hairy Bottom’s hairy armpits cause him to emanate the Odor of the Phoenix, Arizona).

Despite his inflammation, Hairy always seems to have plenty of money, and thus keeps his friends supplied with chocolate-covered mice, licorice whips and chains, so-called “doobies,” and brightly colored prescription jelly beans in unusual flavors like “Window Pane” and “No-Doze,” for those obligatory late-night cram sessions and travels to dreamy, magical realms.

In the last book, “Hairy Bottom and the Snot-Nosed Prince,” Bumblebee is killed while fighting a vicious band of carnivores known as the Meat Eaters. Hairy is forced to confront the carnivorous tendencies of a friendly giant, Haggard, who has an alarming tendency to devour students, bellowing “Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum!” Hairy succeeds in turning Haggard into a sullen vegetarian by exposing him repeatedly to the music of The Smiths.

We last met the Meat Eaters in “Hairy Bottom and the Giblets of Gravy,” where they invaded an athletic cup and caused so much itching and irritation that Hairy was unable to use his wand for a week. Well, the Meat Eaters came back, with a vengeance, and in the climactic battle scene in “Hairy Bottom and the Prisoner of Ass Cabin,” Hairy’s godfather Serious Plaque is attacked by the Meat Eaters and gets his tartar controlled, but good. Plumber’s Snake is involved, but we are left not quite knowing whose side he is on: while he tends to insinuate himself in places he is not wanted, he always seems to get the job done.

The new book, “Hairy Bottom and the Deadly Aloe,” seems like it ought to relieve Hairy’s troubles, but in fact Hairy’s deepest fears are realized when his medicinal salve, manufactured in China, seems to be tainted and causes a painful rash. Can Aeron Chair sooth his painful irritation? Will Aaron and Herman be jealous? Will Plumber’s Snake work for or against him? Does Hairy’s Stairway Lie on the Whispering Wind? You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!

I have not had the opportunity to read this book yet, since it is too heavy for me to lift to within the focal length of my astigmatic, red-rimmed eyeballs, but I know that when I do, it will contain a lot of words, and I will have to turn many pages before I reach the end!

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