The Aristocrats, My Version 1

23 Jun 2006

We rented The Aristocrats from Netflix, but Grace and I only got to watch half of it, because of Isaac unexpectly got a ride back from his play-date. The following joke is quite disgusting, and will make sense to you only if you know of the premise behind The Aristocrats.

So, a man walks into a theater booking agency and says “have I got an act for you!”

“All right… tell me about it,” the agent says, with a sigh.

“OK, it’s a two-person act. The girl comes out on the stage. First off, she runs around in circles, yelling, and then she stops and removes her undergarment. The guy runs afer her, telling her to put her underwear back on, but she runs around some more, he’s chasing after her, and before he can get to her, she stops, and then squats slightly and pees all over the floor.”

“Hmmm… all right, go on” says the agent, furrowing his brow.

“All right. The guy throws the girl onto the stage, wipes her up with a damp cloth, and puts her underwear back on. Then he puts her in a chair and straps her in. He gets out a shop-vac and a bucket and is busily trying to clean up the mess. He’s not paying attention. Meanwhile the girl starts to crap. It shoots out of the sides of her underwear all over the seat.”


“You betcha. So the guy stops what he’s doing, runs over, pulls her out of the seat, cleans up the seat, cleans up the girl, puts new underwear on her, and lets her walk around, and goes back to cleaning the floor.”


“Damn right. Meanwhile, the girl wanders around behind him — he doesn’t see this, but the audience does — and squats and takes another big liquid crap in her drawers. She wanders off stage temporarily… as she goes, crap is running down her legs, and she starts tracking it across the stage. She notices, and starts stepping on it, and slips and falls in it, so it’s all over her clothes, gets up, and then walks off the stage, leaving these disgusting footprints as she goes.”

“So now it’s just the guy on the stage?”

“Yeah. He finishes cleaning up the pee and starts to put away the shop-vac, but then notices what looks like muddy footprints on the floor. He grabs a mop and starts to clean up the footprints, then realizes that they aren’t mud. He chases after the girl, and runs off stage. He drags the girl back on stage, throws her down on the floor, and takes her clothes and underwear off again — the bottom part is full of wet crap, dripping all over — and wipes her up. While he’s doing this, she’s vigorously grabbing for her privates and slapping him with her crap-covered hands.”

“My god!”

“It gets better. This whole time he’s yelling and telling her to stop, hold still, etc., which she’s ignoring. She just giggles. He’s got crap on his feet, crap on his clothes, crap on his hands. He finally lets her go and drags a bathtub on stage — one of those old-fashioned galvanized tin bathtubs would be good. While he’s doing this she’s gibbering and running in circles letting out screams of joy. He chases her down and picks her up bodily — she’s slippery with crap — gets her in the tub, and starts washing her up. Then he throws off his clothes, also covered in crap, and gets in and starts washing himself up too.”

“Thank god.”

“It doesn’t stop there. You would think after that big crap she’d be all done, but while he’s washing her up she suddenly starts to produce another huge crap _in the tub_. It’s shooting out all over the place. The guy starts trying to catch it coming right out of her rear end — it’s shooting through his fingers, he’s trying to throw pieces of it out of the tub into the mop bucket…”


“Tell me about it. It’s not over. She notices this stuff floating in the water and…”

“Don’t tell me.”

“Yep, she starts grabbing for it, and playing with it. It’s all the guy can do to keep her from putting her hands in her mouth, or trying to put her hands in _his_ mouth… she’s splashing around, laughing…”

“How much more of there is this?”

“Not much more… he finally gets dumps the tub out, fills it with clean hot water, gets her cleaned up, gets himself cleaned up, gets clean clothes on her, gets a bathrobe on himself, everyone is dressed, they take a bow, and exit the stage, leaving behind a huge pile of crap-covered clothes, rags, mop, water and crap all over the floor, and the house lights come up.” “I think this may be the most disgusting act I’ve ever heard of. What’s it called?”

“Me and my 19-month-old baby girl.”

Thanks… I’ll be here all week… remember to tip your server!

Creative Commons Licence
This work by Paul R. Potts is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License. The CSS framework is stylize.css, Copyright © 2014 by Jack Crawford.

Year IndexAll Years IndexWriting Archive