I wrote this for the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.funny. Some of you might remember Usenet. I’m not certain of the original date, but I think it appeared in late 1993. It is an exceedingly silly piece. Note that it is based more on the book than the movie, and only loosely based on the book. My old e-mail address, which I used while working at the Office of Instructional Technology, Information Technology Division, is long dead.
This is an original parody of Jurassic Park, written by Paul Potts (potts@oit.itd.umich.edu), University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. I apologize to my writing teachers for this. I’m a serious writer, really! This was a momentary error in judgment. Please think nothing of it.
WARNING: SPOILERS! REALLY SILLY SPOILERS! (Awww, go on, read it! Are you a T. Rex, or a chicken?)
Jurassic Park, Act 1: Scene 1. In Jurassic Park. Expensive and rare houseplants are shrouded in fog. Bugs the size of bugs flit here and there. Off in the distance we see extras dressed as workmen, building an electric fence.
Extra enters from left. Long pause.
EXTRA: Wow, we’re 30 seconds into the movie and no one is being eaten by a dinosaur yet.
Enormous drooling dinosaur head appears silently behind extra, gets closer and closer.
DINOSAUR: ROAR
EXTRA: EEK! CRUNCH CRUNCH…
Just like the cookie monster, the dinosaur can’t seem to keep what he is eating in his mouth. Arms, legs, heads spill everywhere… fade out.
Jurassic Park, Scene 2, Act 1. Action! The scene is a deserted beach in Costa Rica. Walking along the beach is a YOUNG GIRL. Young girl is looking at seashells. A small DINOSAUR approaches and looks at her curiously.
LITTLE GIRL: Oh, how cute! It’s a little lizard the size of a chicken that walks upright, has thirty-seven vertebrae in its tail, and moves with quick birdlike motions!
DINOSAUR: Hops up on little girl’s hand, whispers in ear. Actually, I’m not a lizard. I’m a SPECIAL EFFECT!
LITTLE GIRL: Go on.
DINOSAUR: No, really!
LITTLE GIRL: If you’re a special effect, then how much did you cost?
DINOSAUR: Whispers something in little girl’s ear.
LITTLE GIRL: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIYYYYYYYEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
DINOSAUR: So for that price, we’d better get our money’s worth! Elaborate special effect of dinosaur chewing little girl’s face off.
LITTLE GIRL: Ewww, gross… I hope that’s computer-generated!
DINOSAUR: Don’t worry, the humane society has representatives on the set at all times to see that the humans aren’t harmed.
Fade out.
Jurassic Park: Act 3: Scene 1, Page 29.
On Jurassic Park Island. Helicopter carrying MAD SCIENTIST, GOOD SCIENTIST, ANTHROPOLOGIST, and INNOCENT CHILDREN lands slowly in the mist; passengers get off; helicopter departs.
MAD SCIENTIST: I am Mister Roarke, your host. Welcome to Jurassic Park!
GOOD SCIENTIST, ANTHROPOLOGIST, INNOCENT CHILDREN: In chorus, looking around at amazing natural wonders. Ooooh, Aaaaah.
Several giant dinosaur special effects appear over the treetops: apatosaurus heads on huge poles.
ANTHROPOLOGIST: Why, isn’t that an apatosaurus? Those have been extinct for at least two hundred years!
INNOCENT CHILDREN: Whisper something in ANTHROPOLOGIST’S EAR.
ANTHROPOLOGIST: Oops, I meant two hundred MILLION years. And I’m really a PALEONTOLOGIST, not an ANTHROPOLOGIST.
INNOCENT CHILDREN: Don’t worry, apatosaurs are harmless herbivores.
APATOSAUR: ROAR, ROAR.
PALEONTOLOGIST: Aren’t they awfully close?
MAD SCIENTIST: Oh, we’re perfectly safe here.
PALEONTOLOGIST: What a relief.
GOOD SCIENTIST: Calculating on note pad. Wait! I have proven through a combination of chaos theory, abstract algebra, fractal mathematics, and Freudian psychoanalysis that we are not safe! In fact, the dinosaurs will provably chew up each and every one of us! With big sharp teeth!
MAD SCIENTIST: Obviously you are mistaken. We’re protected by the latest in consumer electronics.
Close up on flashing red light on small half-concealed device labeled SONY.
DEVICE: BEEP, BEEP.
ANTHROPOLOGIST: What does that mean?
MAD SCIENTIST: Oh, it looks like someone forgot to charge the batteries for the electric fence. But don’t worry, the dinosaurs are conditioned to think the fence can stop them.
GOOD SCIENTIST: The laws of nature say you’re wrong.
MAD SCIENTIST: We’ll see who’s wrong around here.
DINOSAURS: ROAR! ROAR! CHARGE! ROAR!
MAD SCIENTIST, GOOD SCIENTIST, PALEONTOLOGIST, INNOCENT CHILDREN: EEK! All run away.
Jurassic Park: Chapter 4, Act 3: Scene 2.
The scene is a small clearing. The PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST and INNOCENT CHILDREN are resting.
PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST: Whew, that was a close one.
INNOCENT CHILDREN: You can say that again.
PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST: Whew, that was a close one.
Suddenly, all the insect, bird, and camera crew sounds cease. The clearing has become dead quiet.
PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST: Uh oh.
Suddenly, a FEMALE SCIENTIST walks into the clearing.
FEMALE SCIENTIST: Hello.
PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST: Hi! Boy, are we glad to see you! Looks deeply into eyes of FEMALE SCIENTIST.
INNOCENT CHILDREN: Why?
PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST: Don’t be silly. This is the FEMALE LOVE INTEREST! Now we can get this plot moving!
INNOCENT CHILDREN: (In chorus) BO-ring…
DINOSAUR: Appearing suddenly. ROAR! ROAR! chomp ROAR! Devours female love interest.
PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST: Oh no! Why did you do that?
DINOSAUR: Multi-million dollar special effect doesn’t like to be upstaged! ROAR! ROAR! Everyone runs away.
Jurassic Park: Scene 3, Act 9, Appendix E.
The scene is a deserted building. The bodies of several illegal immigrant construction workers are scattered here and there.
Enter MAD SCIENTIST and GOOD SCIENTIST.
MAD SCIENTIST: So, we meet again at last.
GOOD SCIENTIST: Can’t you see what you’ve done? You’ve violated the laws of nature! You will be punished!
MAD SCIENTIST: The laws of nature? Ha! I scoff at the laws of nature!
GOOD SCIENTIST: You’re responsible for global warming! You’re responsible for the hole in the ozone layer! You’re responsible for all the evil scientific advances of the 20th century! You fool! If you had just left well enough alone, we would still be happily living in caves!
MAD SCIENTIST: Huh? Ummm, yeah. In fact, I know where there’s a really nice cave. You go first.
GOOD SCIENTIST: Waving legal pad. I predicted we’d wind up here.
MAD SCIENTIST: Who cares? I’m rich! Jurassic Park is going to make me the richest man in the world!
GOOD SCIENTIST: Writing furiously. Actually, after taxes, you’re not going to be left with much. Chaos theory and probability analysis can’t do much against the internal revenue service.
MAD SCIENTIST: Really? But my tax shelters…
GOOD SCIENTIST: Scribbling on pad. Won’t help; you’re not a Honduran national. Now, Let me tell you a few things. Did you know you might be able to deduct the park as a business expense, provided you can show that this is also your home office… They confer quickly for a few moments.
MAD SCIENTIST: Wow, you’ve proven that I’m going to go broke! Oh, no! Science is bad!
GOOD SCIENTIST: Yes, but I’m going to make a lot of money on the residuals from this film! Science is great!
MAD SCIENTIST: Bad. IT’S BAD! IT’S BAD!
GOOD SCIENTIST: IT’S BETTER THAN BAD! IT’S GOOD!
Dinosaur appears overhead.
DINOSAUR: Hey, guys, I’ll tell you what science is.
MAD SCIENTIST, GOOD SCIENTIST: In unison. OK, which is it, good or bad?
DINOSAUR: Science neither good or bad. Science HUNGRY!!! CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP.
Jurassic Park: Verse 12, Act 14, Scene 92, Footnote 4.
At the secret dinosaur nesting ground we see the INNOCENT CHILDREN and PALEONTOLOGIST standing in front of a muddy hole caked with what appear to be giant bird droppings and bits of eggshell.
INNOCENT CHILDREN: Hmm, I wonder what’s in this hole.
PALEONTOLOGIST: Someone should climb in.
INNOCENT CHILDREN: Um, yeah. That’s a good idea! They turn to look at each other, and speak in unison: NOT!
PALEONTOLOGIST: Imagine the mysteries of nature, ours to behold! I’m going in! He disappears into hole.
INNOCENT CHILDREN: Do you see anything?
PALEONTOLOGIST: Yes, wonderful things! Oh my God, it’s full of stars… and poop! Mostly poop!
INNOCENT CHILDREN: Oh, boy.
INNOCENT BOY: Let’s blow this popsicle stand.
INNOCENT GIRL: Aren’t we going to see what’s inside the hole?
INNOCENT BOY: Naw, we’ve got to save something for the sequel. Just leave him.
INNOCENT GIRL: The sequel?
INNOCENT BOY: Yeah. Remember, filming starts today. It’s going to be a sort of a romance set in a prehistoric milieu. He fishes in pocket. Here’s the pamphlet.
INNOCENT GIRL: Reading pamphlet. “A beautiful story of a boy and girl’s coming of age and falling in love, set against the pageantry and odors of the late Cretaceous period.” Looks at her watch. Oh, it’s three o’clock. Just about time for the Jurassic Park set to start exploding.
Island begins to explode in flames all around them, dinosaurs bursting into flames like marshmallows held too long over a campfire.
DINOSAURS: Aaarrrgghhh, aaarrrggghhh!
INNOCENT BOY: C’mon, we’ve got to get to the life-raft. We’ve got to be on the set of the sequel by noon.
GIRL: But we haven’t even reached puberty yet!
BOY: It’s amazing what they can do with special effects these days.
Music swells to a crescendo; INNOCENT BOY and INNOCENT GIRL walk off, hand in hand.
THE END???
Ann Arbor, Michigan
1993